Chris, great realization. A seeing beyond what thought tells you. This is the essence of love.
Most human beings live only with what thoughts/society has shown them to be the meaning of their existence. Like what you say here.
“There was a feeling of security when going along to get along. It was security to agree with the group. It was easy to regurgitate information. My actions stemmed from my desire for security……I still have that desire in various ways”.
Profound that you would see this,
“What thoughts do I actually own? I know what thoughts I attach my identity to but I really do not know who created those thoughts. I can recall on many occasions when I paused and heard….”where did that thought come from?” I was always following a thought train and I didn’t know who/what was the conductor. I was always assuming that I was in control. Silly isn’t it.
It can be difficult to allow oneself to get this close to their thoughts to challenge their validity. Most people invest in their hard won image and what thought tells them this equates to at all costs. They refuse to be vulnerable about the real workings of thought and life.
They leave in place thoughts that are the actual source of insecurities we feel everyday. Insecurity is a thought. Also, security is a thought.
Human consciousness that sees beyond thought is creativity, freedom and love.
Most human beings may never realize this truth.